Thursday, October 14, 2010

regressing

Well, I finally did the one thing I've been avoiding for the last 5 days. I went on to the Caringbridge page I created this time last year after my husband's accident on the 9th of October, 2009.

Everything changed that day. Not only was it the kind of wreck that he shouldn't have walked away from, but it was the kind of accident for which "walking away from" is a true metaphor.

It was actually months before he walked on his own again.

So since last Saturday, the 9th of this October, I've been doing everything BUT going back to that journal to see exactly where and what and how we were doing this time last year. Though my mind has been revisiting it, my fingers hadn't made it back to typing the url in the browser until just a few minutes ago. And before the page even loaded, there I was, already in tears.

No matter how far we've come since then, revisiting those journals I kept during his hospitalization and recovery are like a portal back in time. As the page loads, so do all of my old emotions. It's eerie. I know that there's still healing left for both of us, and there are parts and pieces of that time that I never wrote about. Couldn't. Not sure if I should now, but I'm considering it.

October and November of last year were the last times I really wrote. Now granted, I had a lot to write about and a lot of people needing me to write so they could keep up with my husband's condition and progress. But as he came out of the woods and out of the hospital, the pressure was less, I transitioned into full-time caregiver mode, and then right back into full-time work mode, and I left my writing in the dust. It had gotten me through the most painful of times, and I left it back there with that pain and grit. Not as a conscious decision; that was just the way the cards seemed to fall, with the circumstances and all.

And I've been thinking about writing. A lot lately. And nothing's been coming out. Not. a. thing. I'll even go so far as to start writing stuff in my head in hopes that it'd help jump start things a little. Nothing.

I only let myself read one entry, the one from the 14th of last October. That was all I could take tonight. But my next stop was here, and these words just came. And so it seems as though I have to go back and pick up where I left off in order to get started again.

So I guess that's the plan.

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