Monday, March 19, 2012

an answer, at least


stage 4.

my mother softly broke the news just as soon as i woke up in the recovery area. that was friday, and only today, monday, am i starting to process it. she said the doctor had been surprised to find what he did.

for me, surprised is an understatement.

never having had anything wrong with me, it's a strange pill to swallow.

on one hand, a sense of relief.  isn't it always relieving to find an explanation for something you didn't understand? no wonder we are child-less, baby-less, positive-pregnancy-test-less. we're not crazy. or doing it wrong. ha.

on the other hand, anger, denial, bitterness. an affirmation that our situation isn't simple or easy. funny how after almost two years of trying, it turns out that i was still holding on to the notion that it might just happen on its own. that we might be those people you hear about who once they started seeing the specialist, a pregnancy comes, just poof, out of nowhere, without any kind of intervention. illogical, this tendency to hold on to things going the easy way, i know.

and on both hands, a sadness. a grief for all of the months spent trying in the face of odds we had no idea were so stacked against us. a sadness that this has been happening in my body, unbeknownst to me, for what is probably a very long time. the sting of not having things just right enough to be able to do this without some kind of help. it does. it stings.

so the last few days have just been spent recovering. gingerly moving throughout the rooms of the house. transferring from surface to surface where i can lay my swollen self down in ways that don't use those muscles of the middle. wondering at my new scars, at first not sure what to make of them, and now given how i feel on the inside, thinking that it's only appropriate to have these markers.

where from here? from what i know so far, there will be a lot of healing and waiting in my future. and a lot of hormones. 

yesterday and today i was able to get myself out in the sun. today has been spent awkwardly cleaning out some old pots and planning on what will go where this year. since our baby plans are on hold for the next 5-6 months, what my hands want to do, perhaps as a way to counter what my womb cannot, is make things grow. i feel the need to connect to something that will make outward, noticeable progress in the next months. 

so i will continue what i have already started this season, but now in light of all this, perhaps ratchet it up a notch or two or ten. i will plant. and water. and watch. and wait.

i will work the dirt with my hands, and when i need to, i will let my tears fall into the soil.

i will watch things grow

and bloom, inside and out,

 and i will think about how things in life are often more connected than we realize.
i will close my eyes and lift my face to the sun.

i will remember that six months is not such a long time, and i will be glad.


  1. so beautiful katie. just so beautiful. so heart wrenching and so beautiful.and i'm angry with you and yet you made me glad as well.

    1. thanks, but when did you get all these new blogs???

  2. Beautiful post. So hard, and also thankful to at least have a "reason"...though that in itself is brutal. Yuck. Hate it. Don't give up. And you are smart to find some things to dive in to during this season of waiting, that's important. It's just a matter of time, my friend, I really believe that for you...

  3. it´s great to see your ideas put together.

  4. You don't know me from Adam, but would you hate it if I tell you about :
    They work with people with endo and all kinds of other IF issues. Don't let the name scare you--you don't have to be Catholic. God bless!