Saturday, May 4, 2013

dear life,


I've been angry at and bitter with you for the last several years. Years! We all know the story—the wreck, the unemployment, the plaguing infertility that added insult to injury and made us just sure that we were walking around with targets, big old bullseyes, on our backs.

And yet. The days still faded to night and crept back to morning again. While the numbers we looked to for security and stability dipped increasingly low, we still ate. We still slept. We still watched crappy reality TV and tried to read books that would make us feel less guilty about the mind suck that is primetime these days.

I'd pull up this blog and sit and stare. I had nothing to say. Every day was more or less the same, a feeling of sinking stuck is the only way I know to describe it. And talking about it didn't help, nor did writing about it (wine did sometimes. actually, often). I think even I got tired of hearing myself lament the usual things. Life felt like a broken record. My plea was for something, anything, to give.

And somewhere along the way, my ever optimistic husband, the one who doesn't quite fit the mold here, the one who really has more to complain about than I (but doesn't), got some profound advice from a mentor: you can't steer something that isn't in motion.

Those words are what got us out of the house. When we didn't feel like it. When, quite frankly, we couldn't afford it. We started going to a support group for stroke survivors run out of the rehab center J was in. It was huge to be in the presence of others who had similar (and often worse) experiences as we have.  When another friend asked us to church, ironically it was J who pulled me up on a Sunday morning in January to actually do it, long after I'd begun to really accept and enjoy those quiet Sunday mornings for what they had become: mine, alone. The same friend got us out to meet some different people. A generation older than I, yes, but only a halfish a generation older than J, and somehow, connections were made, and all of the sudden, it was as if we had some people on our side, who understood, who wanted to help.

Timing, I'm finding, is actually everything. I'm not a big believer in the "if you put out a certain energy into the world, it'll come back to you" line of thinking. Though I don't necessarily disagree with it, I don't believe that things are quite that causal. But. There is the undeniable fact that sometimes, things just come together.

So life, I'm calling it. A truce. Things seem to be starting to move again, and in our direction. We are, as of last week, a two job family again. After 3.5+ years of being the sole provider and breadwinner, I'm still reeling that this day is finally here.

And in other news, this is actually happening:

20 weeks

That is not a burrito, folks. Nor is it the bowl of ice cream I frequently consume each night. There is a bonafide, living resident in there—we're still pinching ourselves over it. And by all indications, it's a healthy little girl who we'll meet in mid-September.


  1. Katie!!!! I am SO excited!! Wow, this has made my night! I'm celebrating with you big time!! The struggle will make this miracle all the sweeter..I promise you, you will be a different Mom because of it. I'm really, REALLY happy for you!!!! And a GIRL!! Bring on the pink and bows! :)

    1. Thank you Jill! We're quite excited ourselves. It's going by so fast already; I can't even believe it. And so happy about a girl!!!

  2. So I didn't see this until just now. Ad I cam for entirely different reasons that you will see in a moment. But I love it, and I love your bump. Tears, my friend, tears. I am so happy for you.

    Also-I'm nominating you for the Liebster award. It's an award for up and coming blogs with less than 200 followers (which I don't even know if that's true for you) and I think you should win. Because you're liebster.

    1. Ha. I think I have about 2 followers, both of whom have commented here. :) But than you for the nomination, maybe it'll at least get me to post something else!

  3. oops-