Monday, September 22, 2014

at it again


We knew we wanted another child, and once we got pregnant with Ingrid, I knew it wouldn't be long before we tried again. For quite a few reasons, but mostly because we're not getting any younger, that and the fact that there aren't guarantees on how long it might take us to get pregnant since the first time around wasn't exactly a speedy process. Plus the facts are what they are: endometriosis will grow back, making it harder and harder to conceive, so it's a tick-tock type of situation.

In fact, it may already be too late. I don't love the prospect of having to go through another round of surgeries to get rid of it like we did the last time, but it may very well be the case that that's where we're headed. What I do know is that since my cycles came back a few months ago, nothing has happened on its own (wishful thinking!), my time of the month is already REALLY painful again (which doesn't bode well for the chances that the endo has held off this long), and after going back for a check-in with our fertility doctor just to hear his thoughts on how to approach another pregnancy, his immediate response was "NOW! NOW! NOW!" and later that day I was popping Clomid. Seriously, it was a little bit of a mental leap to jump on the fast-moving conception train so quickly. But down the hatch the pills went, and while last month was a fail, we've already got a more involved plan for this month (including a do-it-at-home HCG shot which I'm a leeeeetle freaked out about).

I don't know how to feel about it all. Mostly hopeful, but also terribly distracted by having a one-year-old, which I guess is good? It's hard to believe that we're back in this boat, living by the calendar of counting cycle days and two week waits and the ups and downs that come along with it. It was so nice to have a break from that for the last almost two years.

I also don't know how much I'll end up writing about it all. Last time around, I hardly shared a thing other than my endometriosis diagnosis. This time feels a little different: a) I'm writing more and b) in a weird way, while the desire for another baby is just as strong, it's also a little more muted in the day-to-day since we have Ingrid. Some of that may be guilt-induced (after all, I have both a baby and bonus-daughter S to be so thankful for!). Whatever the reason, while it feels like there's a lot on the line, it doesn't feel as do or die, which somehow makes me a little more comfortable with being open and vulnerable. Or maybe I'm just that much more mature? No, probably not.

In any case, I think back over the last few years about how much I had to gain by letting my guard down—but how I tended to shy away from it for fear of what we had to lose. And so as much as I hate to be starting down this road again, what I think would be the biggest shame would be to repeat how I traveled it before—nearly completely isolated—when truly, that's the one element of the equation I can control.

Well, it seems that I've just answered my own question and talked myself into doing a little more talking about the way things go with this. Hold me to it? 



5 comments:

  1. very exciting. crossing fingers, hoping, praying, sending good thoughts, and all the wishes.

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  2. thank you! we need to catch up. and, can you believe i'm actually blogging? me neither.

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  3. i am so glad! this is the first time i've been able to comment in awhile-something to do with cookies.

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  4. OK, so I just wrote a long comment and I'm not sure it worked. BOO!!!! Bottom line...I am totally feeling you with this post, I swear my babies would be out of the womb 2 weeks and I'd start thinking about the next attempt. (This time has been so different, first time I'm not.) Always a strange thing to go back to attempting pregnancy again so soon, down that road...and yet it's different doing it while also being a busy Mom. You'll do great with that HCG shot...don't overthink it, just DO it. It's way worse mentally than it is physically. :) Love that you are blogging through this.

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    1. Thanks Jill! Your comments always mean so much. I'm sure the shot will be fine—I'm just notoriously awful with them, and the thought of letting my non-medical husband wield a needle on me is...slightly terrifying. :)

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